I didn't go back to my hometown this weekend. I had a great saturday outing with my friends though but after that my mind is full of my son (beside the scary presentation that I have to do).
Should I say it was my maternal instinct that I always wanted to be by his side to protect him, care and love him. I saw J* during my saturday outing and J* cried. After listening to J* stories, I didn't know that a lot of thing had happened to her. I felt a little bit useless of not being able to shoulder all J* worries and tears. Being alone in the environment you never use to is a very scary experience. Specially when you can't rely on strangers and there's nobody to turn to. I still can remember how my teenage life was. It was all cold and there's not much memory to acquire though. Though I was spoilt rotten but what I always wanted wasn't there. I wanted a perfect family to start with. A great dad, splendid mum and happy siblings-hood. But I also do not believe in fairy tales to start with. I thought that I had a dad that's strict outside but inside he cares for the family. Well, this image completely turned to ashes when I found out that he's been cheating outside with a woman who's younger by let say 20 years. When I knew bout this I wasn't angry. I was worried bout my mum. I don't think she can accept it. Because I could feel that she really, trully loved my dad. But when my mum knew it. She was in great despair. She even called me and said that she regretted trusting him in the first place and gave birth to me. She regretted having me as his child. I was hurt when I got this from her. It really do encraved into my heart deeply. But I did not say anything. Because I know she was just saying it out because she was really, really hurt. I went back to check her conditions. Although she acted as if she's accepted the fact. There's once where she said bout my dad and I told her that no matter how angry you are towards him I know that you'll still cry over him. Then she really broke into tears. Again. Second time after my shotgun marriage. Through out the funeral and my times at there I never cried. Not even a tear. Because I wanted to be my mum's pillar of strength. I don't want to see her fall. So I must be strong. I want to be my mum's daughter and at the same time, her son.