Finally it is ending.

Time passes by so fast that we don't even realize it is the end where we have to be separated and go to different ways. Sad as it seems but this is a part of life where people do come and go and the best thing we can do is to try our best to keep in touch as often as possible. Soon, we are going to face the society, a new place where we'll be meeting with new people and making new friends and so on. But this doesn't mean I'll be forgetting the times that I had with my wonderful coursemates, fac's mates and others who I have met in this few years. Even in my university and my family lifes, I do miss my Sabah friends a lot. Be it the closest or just random friends, I still miss it. Cause it is in my memories and I can't shake it off. Sometimes you would just have this sad feeling that makes you want to cry. But I never cry for a friend. Cause all my friends leave me with happy memories. So if you see me laughing sinisterly by myself, don't be afraid. I'm not pyscho. I'm just reminisce times that I had with some whacky people and stuffs that we did back then. One thing I enjoyed the most in my uni life is that I learn to be more evil than usual. But not in the sense of action, but with words. Hey, I'm a language student, remember? So, now I found that language is quite a useful tool to eventually you know, harm someone?Hihihihi! Not going to tell you what I did. With language. To all Language students, cheers to us that we can monopolize our capability that others can't. OK, back to my pathetic life, actually, I've met 2 great funny friends this sem. Well, not only 2. Others also. But both of them to me is much more significant. Because they can speak Hakka. And 1 of them can really tell very good lame jokes. Hihihihi~and he gives a lot of advices about men's perception and the way they think. I think I really learn a lot about typical men from him. Cause he's one of them too. And Karyn, 1 thing we have in common is we are addicted to Hup Seng soda beng. With Milo. After graduation, I think I'll miss them both dearly. Thanks to them I had a good laugh this sem. I think all of you do feel the same way,rite? It's quite heartbroken to separate from friends whi really shared good memories with you. And we always wished it wouldn't end.

私、子供の時。

I remembered that I stayed with an Indonesian maid when I was small. So, I started to pick up Malay at an early age, continue by picking up Cantonese with my mum, English with my dad, Malay with my brother, Mandarin with my school mates and when I'm 15 years old, Hakka with my best friend. I'm quite proud of myself at language ability especially Chinese cause I know how to speak and listen but not write. Everyone's quite surprised. Looking back when my mum forced me to attend a Chinese class when I was in Primary 4 I was hugging this pillar in front of my house crying while my maid try to persuade me and pull me to go to class. I still remember my childhood friend, a Malay girl and his little brothers and sisters. We always played 'lompat tali' and 'lumba lari' together with 'kaki ayam'. And there's another Bumiputra friend, S, who's quite rich where we always share our Doraemon comic together and spent the whole day only at his garden playing hide and seek ended up being bitten by dozens of mosquitoes. And the most fun of all, to play prank around the neighbourhood. So much fun there was, but to really find a sweet family memory, quite tough. My mum works from 12pm-12am.My dad's always outstation. My brother? Of course go find girlfriend la. So, I spent most of my time with my Indonesian maid and watch Indonesian horror movie with her. The only time I enjoyed quality family time is on Sunday. Sometimes even without my dad. Go to pasar pagi and have breakfast with my mum and my aunt then afternoon follow my mum for her mahjong session at my aunt's house. Quite boring actually so I actually extended my own social network by getting to know my aunt's neighbour. That's quite a part of my primary school's life. Oh ya, I remembered an event when I was in kinder garden, in the manhole there's a lot of tadpoles after it rains. So during our recess we would be outside at the garden to play around the playground. My favourite activities was to catch the tadpoles and put it into my friends shirt (mostly girls: cause they hate the slimy and yucky feeling) and I'll end up in the disciplinary board for misbehave. Huh~so much for my childhood~teehee~~ (^v^)v

Reminiscence on little Timothy~

Everytime when I saw kids the same age as my son, I would remember his wicked and naughty smile. I can't help myself to miss him even more now since he started to stick closely to me every weekend when I return from KL. He's a very smart boy. If he wanted to eat something and he can't get it himself, he would make this sad-puppy eye looking at you and hint that he wanted something. Then, you couldn't help yourself but to fall for that cute little devil face by giving him what he wants. Currently he caught some cough and flu. Pity him. Today was a bit sad because when it's time for me to leave and return to KL he was sleeping so he didn't manage to send me to the bus station. It was quite a heavy feeling for me to leave him as he was sick and the guilt of can't be there to take care of him deepened. I really really had this wish that I wasn't that smart. I can't roll in into the university then I might lead a normal and a plain housewife's lifestyle. The only thing that bothers me is what should I cook for lunch and dinner, is the cloths dry yet, or maybe, should I teach ABC 1st or 1,2,3 to Timothy?Not like here, worrying about assignments, tests, quizzes, exams, lecturer's mood and so on. Maybe Timothy too prefer that I stayed at home so I can play with him more often. He's a sweetheart actually (if the Devil's not awaken) as he would always make this cute yet cool little faces outside and that makes those aunties melt. Maybe he would be a ladykiller when he grows. Even when I'm angry he would try to stop a little and look at my face then starts to make this funny faces to make me laugh again. Actually, having 2 kind of different lifestyle wasn't a bad idea at all. At least I wouldn't be bother to care bout my university for 3 days and wouldn't bother about my house for 4 days. That makes a week. Quite a balance for my phsycological needs. I really hope that after I graduate I could work nearby my home so I could face him 24/7 cause missing him really can be a torture sometimes. Also, I don't want Timothy to grow up where his mother is not often around him. I wish to be at his side everytime. \(*v*)/ Love you, Tim.

What's life without a stand?

A lot of things had happen during my semester break. One of it is that I'm in my 2nd pregnancy. And it's a baby GIRL.Well, having another child, although it's not in my planbook yet but it makes no harm to my current lifestyle since i'm used to it like what I did during my 1st pregnancy. So I'm quite happy bout it. But some individuals doesn't seem very pleased after hearing bout it. 1st: My lecturer. OK. I understand why you're pissed but hey, I can guarantee you that I'm going to graduate next year and I won't delay any of my classes. 2nd: My mom. Well, you know. She wish that I could finish my studies but hey, nobody expect any accident to occur rite? Since it had happened already why making such long face instead of being happy? I don't really like when people think that if something had happen there's no turning point or other options to look at. As if there's only bad things can happen. I had an argument with my mom this afternoon after she babbles bout who's going to take care my 2nd child and how am I going to finish my studies. So once again I have to present a long presentation telling my mum that I have enough time and energy to finish my studies so don't poke over into this matter anymore. We're having some watermelon that my aunty cut to half this noon so while she's trying to babbles me I asked her 1 Question. "Can I have half of the melon that's still inside the fridge?"then my mum ask "Why?" And I told her, "Since you complain so much bout my 2nd child then why don't I just abort my baby?" Then everyone keeps silence till I left. I hate it when people have comments but not to think that they themself have a lot of negativity on things that they judge. But I'm so sorry mom. If you think you can shake my stand and ruin what I hold on, not a chance. I'm not that weak as you think. If you're not being supportive then there's no reason why I should continue sharing my thoughts with you anymore. I'm so sorry.

For the sake of the little lifes.

It's been a long time that I had not touch my blog so after reading 1 mail I've decided to write something on it. There's 1 night when me and my husband was sleeping peacefully suddenly we heard a loud "Thud" on the marble floor. And there's when we heard our little baby Tim fell down from the bed and he cried out hysterically because of the pain. The bed's height is really quite high from the normal bed. So I guess that really hurt somemore to get hit on the marble floor while sleeping. Timothy's sleeping habit is very bad. He'll rotate 360 degree around the bed eventhough he's asleep. But when we heard the "Thud" sound my heart really fell off to the ground. Seeing him crying in pain makes my heart bleeds. I couldn't imagine now life without Tim. But when I read a mail from a friend of mine, I was devastated. Looking at the pictures where the babies were abandoned and left dead around the streets really a sad sight for me to continue scrolling for the next pictures. Some are wrapped in cloths or shirts and cap but some are just left stark naked with their umbilicial cord attached and some even started to rot in the middle of the forest. As a human, I ask all of you. Do you have the heart to carry out such things with your own bare hand?It's a life. A helpless small little life. If you don't want to take care a kid then just don't mess around and fuck around without condoms! Condoms have it's own reasons of existence. People don't just invent rubber balloons for nothing. Going through the labor pain and all the time that I'd spent on my child I know it was a hard task but his existence in my life have opened another chapter in my book of life. His laughter, smiles and giggles can't be found in any other parts of my life. His existence is very significant to me. Without him, there is no me. With him in my life I learn to carry more responsible. I've become stricter, naggier, and loves to control. I have learn to love more than to hate. To be happy rather than to be sad. He's my everything now and forever. I love you Tim.

Guess I'm too free to publish post this week. My sister in law came back to the house with her daughter and son. My son was so happy because finally there's someone who is from the same category with him. So cute~my son likes other kids to accompany him. And believe me~he's generous when playing with them. I could not remember or have any idea where he got the idea of sharing. That really amused me. But he can be a little devil if provoked. He really resembles me a lot now till I can't even find any reason to deny it anymore. Is just like looking at the smaller me and in the little boy version. And now I hope that i won't get any daughter. Because I don't want her to turn into like me. Because I don't think I have any girly or moral behaviour to be her model. So I am really afraid that she'll turn like me. A crazy one~! But I wonder eventhough all my child is boy,can I really be their role model? I'm afraid I can't. Cause I'm the type of person who'll be driven in by lust and desire which is quite bad. I'm trying to control it so that I could really assure myself that I can be their teacher and their mother. But I can't. I'm a devil myself. An angel in disguise. I hope there's light that could shine up through my path so I can understand myself better and to be a better adult. I promise you Timothy~mummy will be a good people,OK?

Love is on the Air

Ever remembered how was your first love was? I remembered the first person who I really admired but got rejected though. He was a nice boy. He didn't really rejected me in the harsh way but rather try not to hurt me. But I wished he could be a little more straightforward then. So after that, I met with my first boyfriend, D. He's from my Karate club and the only time I was fascinated by his charm is during the Karate training. He was good at it. Well, of course that's not my main reason joining in Karate. So, he was sweet and soft but the only negative thing about him is indecisive. I'm kinda big sister to him but at first I thought it was OK but I'm getting tired after the 3 years relationship so I decided to cut it off. Well, it did made an impact to me but I didn't imagined it to recover so fast. After that I met with my husband. Well, I like him because he's kinda cute (personality ) and humorous. And I know that he really cared a lot bout me eventhough he didn't show any affections. He's kinda boring if you're thinking to get a romantic, understanding and sweet guy next door type. He's as blur as a squid, as hard as a wood and not very understanding at all. And one thing I hate him the most. His jealousy. Well, I always thought that only women can get jealous at times but meeting him has proven my hypothesis was wrong. Well, to start with my character I was a tomboy. So mostly I hang around with guys. This is the most common facts to be known if you're an AS students. You'll never see me in the shopping complex hanging around with girls and shop around. So, back to my hubby here, it seems that he was kinda culture shock to find out that I've been always hanging around with guys in U. And he always argued with me that no guys will be friendly with a girl without any further intention. I doubt that but I do believe people blindly but of course I would never get myself into that trouble. I'm not that stupid. But somehow I don't feel all guys are like that. I believe my gang wouldn't do something like that. Being a friend I'll put trustworthy at the 1st place. But if you provoked me, Astalavista Babe~! No chances given. I don't know why I'm like this but I always carry a motto with me. "Revenge is Sweet". Like how it goes with My Chemical Romance second album "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge". Friendship is meant to be cherished, not to be betrayed or taken for granted. So everyone out there, be blessed.

Gossip Girls

Gossip. According to the Oxford Advanced Learner's dictionary it means 'informal talks or stories about other people's private lives, that may be unkind or not true'. Well, understanding the term "gossip" we know it short as "crap". And as for me, I'm not really into gossip or rumors. You want to bitch bout me, go ahead. I won't stop you. Do you think that it has any significant towards my living? Well, sorry to say that. Not even a bit. But it is fascinating that some people do care bout how people would look at me/them when we're around. But in my opinion, if a person judge you by who you hang around with then I wouldn't even care to know them. Because we can't really judge a person by a look. I recently had misjudge a person. So it really taught me a deep lesson though. OK. Back to gossips. Well, I don't really remembered which gossips bout me had any impact to my life cause I don't really cared bout it. But if I got a cold shoulder from someone just to avoid rumors then I guess that friend doesn't really understand me that much either. I'm just afraid that I had made any mistakes that made them treat me the way they are now. Here, I sincerely apologize. Currently I am going through a period which I really hoped that I could turn back time to my secondary school periods. Doing crazy stuffs, passing my times with my buddies. I miss those time around. I miss KHW, WKP, LTF, JCCY, CW,CKK, VYC, TYM, TLL, a lot of AS students. If I see anyone of them right now I think I'll cry. Because I really, really miss all my fun times with you guys. And I guess among all of my friends you guys understand me the most. Not even my husband can compare to you guys. Maybe I'm into depressions. Sometimes I will get into this suicidal mode too. But, I got used to it I guess. So here, I sincerely wish all of you will live a happy life and will be cherished and blessed all the time. I miss you guys. Love n Peace to you all~!

Learning is eternity.

My baby Timothy now is starting to be a lot brattier ( not too sure whether this vocab exist or not). He wanted to learn to walk by himself so badly that he would throw tantrums to whoever hold his hands and walk with him. He wants to walk alone. I'm quite impressed of the learning process of my child as he is afraid of falling down but in the same time he gathered all his courage to walk all by himself. Shall I call that independency? But after walking for some times, he feel tired and wanted his daddy to carry him. Still, he's depending on his daddy and rely on us adult when he face some difficulties. What about us? Adults? How often do we rely on people? How far is our independency? I really hoped I have a pillar to rely on. But now, besides than being my son's pillar, I am also at the same time my mum's pillar of strength. But how long could I stand. Sometimes I do feel tired. I really wanted to depend on my husband solely. But I know I can't depend on him too much because I need to be an adult. But to step into this adulthood was really tough. As if u felt that you had lost all your freedom and being attached. But what is everyone's terms on freedom? No curfew, no laws, no burden, etc? Freedom is how you see it to yourself. Well, yeah. Having a kid hanging around you makes you less connected to your friends and stuffs but did you ever thought about how your parents had lost all their youthfulness when they brought you up? After thinking how many years had my mum tolerate with me, I think I understand the term adult and freedom better. I will unconditionally cherish and love my child so he would feel the same if he faces the same thing like all of us do. I hope he can learn a lot as he grow to be a better man, and live life to the very best of it.

I didn't go back to my hometown this weekend. I had a great saturday outing with my friends though but after that my mind is full of my son (beside the scary presentation that I have to do).
Should I say it was my maternal instinct that I always wanted to be by his side to protect him, care and love him. I saw J* during my saturday outing and J* cried. After listening to J* stories, I didn't know that a lot of thing had happened to her. I felt a little bit useless of not being able to shoulder all J* worries and tears. Being alone in the environment you never use to is a very scary experience. Specially when you can't rely on strangers and there's nobody to turn to. I still can remember how my teenage life was. It was all cold and there's not much memory to acquire though. Though I was spoilt rotten but what I always wanted wasn't there. I wanted a perfect family to start with. A great dad, splendid mum and happy siblings-hood. But I also do not believe in fairy tales to start with. I thought that I had a dad that's strict outside but inside he cares for the family. Well, this image completely turned to ashes when I found out that he's been cheating outside with a woman who's younger by let say 20 years. When I knew bout this I wasn't angry. I was worried bout my mum. I don't think she can accept it. Because I could feel that she really, trully loved my dad. But when my mum knew it. She was in great despair. She even called me and said that she regretted trusting him in the first place and gave birth to me. She regretted having me as his child. I was hurt when I got this from her. It really do encraved into my heart deeply. But I did not say anything. Because I know she was just saying it out because she was really, really hurt. I went back to check her conditions. Although she acted as if she's accepted the fact. There's once where she said bout my dad and I told her that no matter how angry you are towards him I know that you'll still cry over him. Then she really broke into tears. Again. Second time after my shotgun marriage. Through out the funeral and my times at there I never cried. Not even a tear. Because I wanted to be my mum's pillar of strength. I don't want to see her fall. So I must be strong. I want to be my mum's daughter and at the same time, her son.

I did not realize that all along this while I have been wanting for a really sincere supportive message from someone that think that what I did was a good decision. After all, I admit that sometimes I do think back and asked myself ,"Did I really made the right choice?". Well, for me, in this world there's nothing right and wrong. It lies on the person's perception about things that he/she believes in. Even until now, one could not say they lead a very maximum and fulfilling life not until the very end of your life. Life is just like weather. Today you might go through a dark andgloomy day but that would not be the rest of the day. I believe that the sun will come out and shine us up again. Ups and downs is just like spices to the recipe of life. No pain no gain. Walt Disney fairytales? Come on. I remembered when I was in Form6 my teacher told me this. "You think that you are going through hard times now? Think twice. You think you have seen the uglier sides of human beings enough?Think again. Once you're in the university you'll understand what I say." True enough. The ugliness in humans can be easily found in the university itself. One can be selfish enough to ensure him/herself gets the benefits by taking other people for granted. They use them, tell them lies and all sorts of things. Seeing things like this really makes me want to puke. They look innocent on the outside but rotten inside. But looking at my little Timothy really makes me very happy.Because he is so innocent. But bratty. That makes children so cute~! I really love him. I could not imagine life without him now. I love you Timothy.

For some reasons, knowing the fact that I'm pregnant I didn't really feel anything...like some would cry, scared, and afraid that how the society is going to judge them. Well, basically I don't really care how you would judge me but 1st, before you start to judge people why don't you judge yourself 1st? So what? I'm pregnant. What do you want from me? Having a baby is not a big deal but some of them would like "Oh, you're pregnant?" with the sinister eyes and though they say it was OK but actually they're not. Bitching at your back, stabbing at your back. SO what? Go on and smear me name. Like I care. For me, what comes around goes around. Yeah, like one of Justin Timberlake's song. Having a baby is my decision and who the H**l you think you are that you have the rights to judge me? You don't know who I am neither do I want to know you are. Why just can't people respect other people's rights and privacy? It is so sick to know that there's people who watch you and judge you but then they don't really have any idea who they are judging. So what if pictures of Edison and other actresses is making out together? No big deal. They're adults. What's with this culture shock? Stop acting like " Oh, I'm so naive. I have no idea what is sex all about. It is so dirty." Yeah rite. Go on and kiss my A*s. Britney Spears used to do shows in Disney Channel and sworn not to have sex before marriage and so what? There she goes~! That's the point. So what? She still earn big bucks and go around doing her things. Do she really care bout how you think bout her. People is still people OK. It doesn't make any differences between you and me. You'll F**k one day and you'll have kids too. Soon you'll know the wonderfulness that a child can bring to you. Although my mum was kinda reluctant about my marriage but then now, I can see that she had change her opinion bout my husband. It's glad to know she had accepted him. And my mum love my little boy so much. But my dad didn't get to see his grandson. He left us around April.

Few days has gone and my mum's condition seems to be very emotional. Well,in fact I knew that she will go against my decision but I'm a very stubborn type so the more that you are against with my decision the stronger that I'm standing for what I'm believing in. My mum's relatives called me and ask me for an abortion. I told them. I will not bear the sins of killing my own flesh and blood. And I'm taking full responsibilities for him. And so my dad came back from outstation and my mum told him. THE 1st thing he asked was how are you going to deal with your school? I said I had done all the paper works that are needed and UM granted me to be absent for the next semester. Then he said " Who is going to take care of the baby?" And I told him to rest assured that everything is on the plan and he does need not to worry bout my studies and my baby. He felt that I'm being very protective while talking to him as if I had planned everything and like I'm presenting my proposals to a big event. He kept silence for a while and he looked at me and said, " Do whatever you want." I never expected that he will go easy on me but this was pretty easy. My brother knew it then and he stopped talking to me. I had expected it since he was those goody goody boy and always pretending to be the older ones to protect each and every one of us. But he also knew that whatever he's trying to say is not going to be consider cause once I'm stuck to a decision there's no turning back. And the gap between me and my family suddenly drifting further and further away.....

To deal with my parents, 1st, I'd prepared myself with a very well planned proposal. Before I went back to Sabah, I called up my faculty to understand the procedure like am I able to stay if I am pregnant, and how does the procedure goes on and things like that. After that I went to find my AA ( Academic Advisor) for further information bout my studies. After that, I submit paperworks, letters and other things so I can confirm that I'm going to be absent for a semester. After finish dealing with my university, I'm well prepared to face my parents. AND so, I went back Sabah and I brought my favourite Anmum Original flavor milk powder back home and I kept it in a very visible place. And guess what? My mum thought that my brother had knocked up his girlfriend. Well, the message didn't really get to her so one day, I sat in the living room while watching CSI: Miami and I said " Mum, you're going to be a grandma soon." And she kept silent. Thought that she might not heard it so I once again fill up my guts and said, "Mum, I'm having a baby. And I want you to acknowledge it." Normal parents would have answererd, "God gracious! I send you to study in university and u get yourself in this mess?!" or "I can't believe you. I thought you would be wiser and know how to take care yourself once you're a university student." But she did not answered it that way. She answered me with her tears. She broke into her tears and did not say anything. AT FIRST I was ready with her scolding and yelling and saying something that I had prepared for but I never expected tears were actually dropping from her eyes. I was devastated. THAT is the last thing I wanted to see. My mum crying over my deed. But seeing her crying I held back my emotions and I stand firmly.Because I really wanted to protect my son as how my mum had protected me. Everything really turn into darkness that time. I've lost to my mum. It seems like everything starts to fall apart.

The Introduction

Thanx to Ashley I am able to drop my own point of views in here. Firstly, I would like to wish all of you a very Happy Chinese New Year, which is just around the corner. So, to start with let me introduce myself. My name is Ho Lee Yin @ Christina and was born on the 19th August,1986. My school were just around my neighbourhood. My kindergarten was just 6 min walk,primary 7 min walk and secondary 8 min walk. I was so fed up that's why I choose peninsular M'sia for my Uni. AND so, I stayed a while at my grandparents before enrolling to this beautiful, famous and gorgeous University of Malaya and got my second boyfriend there ( which is currently upgraded to be my spouse ).AND so, the story begins when I was in my first year 2nd semester rushing for reports, daily assignment and stupid OSN thesis which burn my not only midnight oil, it also burns up my morning oil. I'm so messed up during the last week of the semester that I had forgotten bout my best buddy who haven't visited me yet ( a.k.a PMS ). AND so, I was at my boyfriend's house then suddenly his sister asked me whether I need a pregnancy test kit. I never thought of using one so out of curiosity, I tried. Jeng-jeng-jeng.....turns out positive. Well, I wasn't really that shocked cause I practise ' You reap what You sow ' but I'm pretty sure that if my parents found out they'll RIP my head for sure. SO...I told my boyfriend and he was quite shocked. I never really cared though but I'm scratching my head off to find a very valid and strong arguments so I can present a flawless presentation to my parents about the idea of keeping this baby. But then, I'm having exams so I extend the time of thinking it after the exams end. I planned to go back and visit my parents before knowing that I got myself pregnant. Maybe this is destined and not coincidence so at least they'll know it through my mouth and not from just a mere phone call. Here goes, "Hey mum, I got myself pregnant.R u happy?" or "Hey mum, you're going to be a grandma soon,Happy?. This 2 phrases will just inviting meteroids to the earth. Those assignments, thesises and daily homeworks is not as tough as this because they still have a text book for us to refer. What about " 10 phrases to deal with your Mum when you're in a mess"? That would help.