Love is on the Air

Ever remembered how was your first love was? I remembered the first person who I really admired but got rejected though. He was a nice boy. He didn't really rejected me in the harsh way but rather try not to hurt me. But I wished he could be a little more straightforward then. So after that, I met with my first boyfriend, D. He's from my Karate club and the only time I was fascinated by his charm is during the Karate training. He was good at it. Well, of course that's not my main reason joining in Karate. So, he was sweet and soft but the only negative thing about him is indecisive. I'm kinda big sister to him but at first I thought it was OK but I'm getting tired after the 3 years relationship so I decided to cut it off. Well, it did made an impact to me but I didn't imagined it to recover so fast. After that I met with my husband. Well, I like him because he's kinda cute (personality ) and humorous. And I know that he really cared a lot bout me eventhough he didn't show any affections. He's kinda boring if you're thinking to get a romantic, understanding and sweet guy next door type. He's as blur as a squid, as hard as a wood and not very understanding at all. And one thing I hate him the most. His jealousy. Well, I always thought that only women can get jealous at times but meeting him has proven my hypothesis was wrong. Well, to start with my character I was a tomboy. So mostly I hang around with guys. This is the most common facts to be known if you're an AS students. You'll never see me in the shopping complex hanging around with girls and shop around. So, back to my hubby here, it seems that he was kinda culture shock to find out that I've been always hanging around with guys in U. And he always argued with me that no guys will be friendly with a girl without any further intention. I doubt that but I do believe people blindly but of course I would never get myself into that trouble. I'm not that stupid. But somehow I don't feel all guys are like that. I believe my gang wouldn't do something like that. Being a friend I'll put trustworthy at the 1st place. But if you provoked me, Astalavista Babe~! No chances given. I don't know why I'm like this but I always carry a motto with me. "Revenge is Sweet". Like how it goes with My Chemical Romance second album "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge". Friendship is meant to be cherished, not to be betrayed or taken for granted. So everyone out there, be blessed.

Gossip Girls

Gossip. According to the Oxford Advanced Learner's dictionary it means 'informal talks or stories about other people's private lives, that may be unkind or not true'. Well, understanding the term "gossip" we know it short as "crap". And as for me, I'm not really into gossip or rumors. You want to bitch bout me, go ahead. I won't stop you. Do you think that it has any significant towards my living? Well, sorry to say that. Not even a bit. But it is fascinating that some people do care bout how people would look at me/them when we're around. But in my opinion, if a person judge you by who you hang around with then I wouldn't even care to know them. Because we can't really judge a person by a look. I recently had misjudge a person. So it really taught me a deep lesson though. OK. Back to gossips. Well, I don't really remembered which gossips bout me had any impact to my life cause I don't really cared bout it. But if I got a cold shoulder from someone just to avoid rumors then I guess that friend doesn't really understand me that much either. I'm just afraid that I had made any mistakes that made them treat me the way they are now. Here, I sincerely apologize. Currently I am going through a period which I really hoped that I could turn back time to my secondary school periods. Doing crazy stuffs, passing my times with my buddies. I miss those time around. I miss KHW, WKP, LTF, JCCY, CW,CKK, VYC, TYM, TLL, a lot of AS students. If I see anyone of them right now I think I'll cry. Because I really, really miss all my fun times with you guys. And I guess among all of my friends you guys understand me the most. Not even my husband can compare to you guys. Maybe I'm into depressions. Sometimes I will get into this suicidal mode too. But, I got used to it I guess. So here, I sincerely wish all of you will live a happy life and will be cherished and blessed all the time. I miss you guys. Love n Peace to you all~!

Learning is eternity.

My baby Timothy now is starting to be a lot brattier ( not too sure whether this vocab exist or not). He wanted to learn to walk by himself so badly that he would throw tantrums to whoever hold his hands and walk with him. He wants to walk alone. I'm quite impressed of the learning process of my child as he is afraid of falling down but in the same time he gathered all his courage to walk all by himself. Shall I call that independency? But after walking for some times, he feel tired and wanted his daddy to carry him. Still, he's depending on his daddy and rely on us adult when he face some difficulties. What about us? Adults? How often do we rely on people? How far is our independency? I really hoped I have a pillar to rely on. But now, besides than being my son's pillar, I am also at the same time my mum's pillar of strength. But how long could I stand. Sometimes I do feel tired. I really wanted to depend on my husband solely. But I know I can't depend on him too much because I need to be an adult. But to step into this adulthood was really tough. As if u felt that you had lost all your freedom and being attached. But what is everyone's terms on freedom? No curfew, no laws, no burden, etc? Freedom is how you see it to yourself. Well, yeah. Having a kid hanging around you makes you less connected to your friends and stuffs but did you ever thought about how your parents had lost all their youthfulness when they brought you up? After thinking how many years had my mum tolerate with me, I think I understand the term adult and freedom better. I will unconditionally cherish and love my child so he would feel the same if he faces the same thing like all of us do. I hope he can learn a lot as he grow to be a better man, and live life to the very best of it.

I didn't go back to my hometown this weekend. I had a great saturday outing with my friends though but after that my mind is full of my son (beside the scary presentation that I have to do).
Should I say it was my maternal instinct that I always wanted to be by his side to protect him, care and love him. I saw J* during my saturday outing and J* cried. After listening to J* stories, I didn't know that a lot of thing had happened to her. I felt a little bit useless of not being able to shoulder all J* worries and tears. Being alone in the environment you never use to is a very scary experience. Specially when you can't rely on strangers and there's nobody to turn to. I still can remember how my teenage life was. It was all cold and there's not much memory to acquire though. Though I was spoilt rotten but what I always wanted wasn't there. I wanted a perfect family to start with. A great dad, splendid mum and happy siblings-hood. But I also do not believe in fairy tales to start with. I thought that I had a dad that's strict outside but inside he cares for the family. Well, this image completely turned to ashes when I found out that he's been cheating outside with a woman who's younger by let say 20 years. When I knew bout this I wasn't angry. I was worried bout my mum. I don't think she can accept it. Because I could feel that she really, trully loved my dad. But when my mum knew it. She was in great despair. She even called me and said that she regretted trusting him in the first place and gave birth to me. She regretted having me as his child. I was hurt when I got this from her. It really do encraved into my heart deeply. But I did not say anything. Because I know she was just saying it out because she was really, really hurt. I went back to check her conditions. Although she acted as if she's accepted the fact. There's once where she said bout my dad and I told her that no matter how angry you are towards him I know that you'll still cry over him. Then she really broke into tears. Again. Second time after my shotgun marriage. Through out the funeral and my times at there I never cried. Not even a tear. Because I wanted to be my mum's pillar of strength. I don't want to see her fall. So I must be strong. I want to be my mum's daughter and at the same time, her son.

I did not realize that all along this while I have been wanting for a really sincere supportive message from someone that think that what I did was a good decision. After all, I admit that sometimes I do think back and asked myself ,"Did I really made the right choice?". Well, for me, in this world there's nothing right and wrong. It lies on the person's perception about things that he/she believes in. Even until now, one could not say they lead a very maximum and fulfilling life not until the very end of your life. Life is just like weather. Today you might go through a dark andgloomy day but that would not be the rest of the day. I believe that the sun will come out and shine us up again. Ups and downs is just like spices to the recipe of life. No pain no gain. Walt Disney fairytales? Come on. I remembered when I was in Form6 my teacher told me this. "You think that you are going through hard times now? Think twice. You think you have seen the uglier sides of human beings enough?Think again. Once you're in the university you'll understand what I say." True enough. The ugliness in humans can be easily found in the university itself. One can be selfish enough to ensure him/herself gets the benefits by taking other people for granted. They use them, tell them lies and all sorts of things. Seeing things like this really makes me want to puke. They look innocent on the outside but rotten inside. But looking at my little Timothy really makes me very happy.Because he is so innocent. But bratty. That makes children so cute~! I really love him. I could not imagine life without him now. I love you Timothy.

For some reasons, knowing the fact that I'm pregnant I didn't really feel anything...like some would cry, scared, and afraid that how the society is going to judge them. Well, basically I don't really care how you would judge me but 1st, before you start to judge people why don't you judge yourself 1st? So what? I'm pregnant. What do you want from me? Having a baby is not a big deal but some of them would like "Oh, you're pregnant?" with the sinister eyes and though they say it was OK but actually they're not. Bitching at your back, stabbing at your back. SO what? Go on and smear me name. Like I care. For me, what comes around goes around. Yeah, like one of Justin Timberlake's song. Having a baby is my decision and who the H**l you think you are that you have the rights to judge me? You don't know who I am neither do I want to know you are. Why just can't people respect other people's rights and privacy? It is so sick to know that there's people who watch you and judge you but then they don't really have any idea who they are judging. So what if pictures of Edison and other actresses is making out together? No big deal. They're adults. What's with this culture shock? Stop acting like " Oh, I'm so naive. I have no idea what is sex all about. It is so dirty." Yeah rite. Go on and kiss my A*s. Britney Spears used to do shows in Disney Channel and sworn not to have sex before marriage and so what? There she goes~! That's the point. So what? She still earn big bucks and go around doing her things. Do she really care bout how you think bout her. People is still people OK. It doesn't make any differences between you and me. You'll F**k one day and you'll have kids too. Soon you'll know the wonderfulness that a child can bring to you. Although my mum was kinda reluctant about my marriage but then now, I can see that she had change her opinion bout my husband. It's glad to know she had accepted him. And my mum love my little boy so much. But my dad didn't get to see his grandson. He left us around April.

Few days has gone and my mum's condition seems to be very emotional. Well,in fact I knew that she will go against my decision but I'm a very stubborn type so the more that you are against with my decision the stronger that I'm standing for what I'm believing in. My mum's relatives called me and ask me for an abortion. I told them. I will not bear the sins of killing my own flesh and blood. And I'm taking full responsibilities for him. And so my dad came back from outstation and my mum told him. THE 1st thing he asked was how are you going to deal with your school? I said I had done all the paper works that are needed and UM granted me to be absent for the next semester. Then he said " Who is going to take care of the baby?" And I told him to rest assured that everything is on the plan and he does need not to worry bout my studies and my baby. He felt that I'm being very protective while talking to him as if I had planned everything and like I'm presenting my proposals to a big event. He kept silence for a while and he looked at me and said, " Do whatever you want." I never expected that he will go easy on me but this was pretty easy. My brother knew it then and he stopped talking to me. I had expected it since he was those goody goody boy and always pretending to be the older ones to protect each and every one of us. But he also knew that whatever he's trying to say is not going to be consider cause once I'm stuck to a decision there's no turning back. And the gap between me and my family suddenly drifting further and further away.....